Post Office Field Reports#
Important
The following documents were obtained from the records of the United States Postal Service, with permission from the acting Postmaster General.
Status Report: January 9th, 1837#
Albany, NY
To: Preston S. Loughborough, Chief Clerk, Office of Instructions and Mail Depredations:
The second I got off the barge, I hated this goddamn place. I hated it before I knew it existed. I hated it in the womb, I tell you. I know you’re reading this, Billy. Probably laughing, too. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself, you ugly son of a bitch.
You’d stand out worse than me with that mug of yours. Everybody here’s got clean boots and stiff collars. The dames pretend they don’t even see you. The West Side ain’t never seemed so far than it does right now. Everybody’s so damn pretty, it’s infuriating. I might as well be strolling down the street in my britches the looks I get. Like I got two heads or something.
Every house been here for two hundred years or more, got some story. Everywhere you turn, you find another spot Alexander Hamilton took a shit before writing the Declaration of Independence. Like I’m supposed to care. If that ain’t enough, try getting a drink around here. All anyone will talk about is van Buren. Apparently, he’s from here and now everybody who ever said a word to him got it in their heads they’re some big shot.
Anyway, I’ll start casing the place tomorrow after I get settled in. Be sure you tell Billy I said he was ugly.
Field Agent Maldoon
Item |
Amount |
|---|---|
Hotel |
$8 |
Booze |
$6 |
Food |
$2.50 |
Whores |
$5 |
Status Report: January 16th, 1837#
Albany, NY
To: Preston S. Loughborough, Chief Clerk, Office of Instructions and Mail Depredations:
Something definitely ain’t right, I’ll say that much. Might not be what we’re after, but it definitely stinks.
I went for a surprise inspection and the place was filled with dandies. They was in the middle of talking about something and stopped soon as I came through. Kept looking at me like I was interrupting some secret meeting. Solomon introduced us. A bunch of newspaper men hanging out in the post office mailroom, just your typical Tuesday afternoon. Seemed like a big wig by the name of Weed was running things.
Not sure how much Solomons knows. I told him who I was, but he didn’t seem to much care. He showed me around the whole operation without asking to see my card or nothing. Didn’t know what I was getting myself into or I might have declined. He shuffles around with a cane so slow I didn’t know we’d ever be done. Man’s got six musket balls rattling around in his chest, way he tells it. Only reason I know is he told me so three different times. He prattled on the whole time. He sure is good at saying a lot without saying nothing. It’s a family trait, I’d wager.
The operation’s nothing special. Usual fare. Twenty clerks, give or take, sorting and stacking letters. Nothing out of the ordinary, as far as I can tell.
I’ve been watching the place day and night for a week, but I don’t see no evidence of any smuggling operation. The guy’s crooked, that’s for sure, but he’s careful. This one might take a while.
Field Agent Maldoon
Item |
Amount |
|---|---|
Hotel |
$8 |
Booze |
$8 |
Food |
$3.50 |
Status Report: January 23rd, 1837#
Albany, NY
To: Preston S. Loughborough, Chief Clerk, Office of Instructions and Mail Depredations:
Got a gut feeling I’m chasing down. Solomon’s got a brother. Apparently he’s the richest stiff the state’s ever known. Big politican, too. There’s a portrait of ‘em in every library and public office. He’s got his knubby fingers in everything over here, even some fancy school up on the northside. One thing I learnt back in Mud City, if you’re looking for a crime, you’re looking for a politician.
They say the old man’s near death, though. Nobody expects him to live out the year. Another thing I learned back on the West Side, the rats come crawling out as soon as the body hits the ground.
Field Agent Maldoon
Item |
Amount |
|---|---|
Hotel |
$8 |
Booze |
$6 |
Food |
$2.15 |
Status Report: January 30th, 1837#
Albany, NY
To: Preston S. Loughborough, Chief Clerk, Office of Instructions and Mail Depredations:
Give this to Preston and don’t let the squirelly fuck out of your sight til you’re sure he’s read it. Tell him I ain’t coming back til I get my raise. I got the filthy fuckers. Well, I ain’t got-him got him, but I found the thread to pull to get him.
I went to check out that school I told you about. It’s called the Renssalaer Institute, wouldn’t you believe it. Never would have guessed. Anyway, there I am, getting the campus tour from this skirt, when who should pull up in their stagecoach? That’s right, the United States Postal Service. They must’ve unloaded twenty crates right in front of me. I asked the boys what they were up to. Of course, they said they’s delivering the mail. Yeah, but whose? It don’t take no genius.
Oh, but it don’t end there, boys. Them crate’s was going into a building called Winslow Chemical Laboratory. A real stuck-up air about the place, filled to the brim with fops and easy marks. So, I stroll on up to the desk, easy as you please, and ask the nice man on duty what’s inside the boxes them boys are delivering. He tells me, “Cumberland Graphite”. I don’t rightly know what that is, but it ain’t textbooks that’s for damn sure.
Item |
Amount |
|---|---|
Hotel |
$8 |
Booze |
$3.50 |
Food |
$2.05 |
Status Report: February 7th, 1837#
Albany, NY
To: Preston S. Loughborough, Chief Clerk, Office of Instructions and Mail Depredations:
Lotta stuff going in, but nothing coming out. Stagecoaches seem to be making deliveries on a weekly basis.
What’s more, them newspaper boys show up at Solomon’s office on the daily. That’s just the ones I know. Plenty more top hats going in and out all the time I can’t place. Starting think ol’ Solomon’s got his thumb in more than one pie.
Item |
Amount |
|---|---|
Hotel |
$8 |
Booze |
$2.50 |
Food |
$1.85 |
Status Report: February 14th, 1837#
Albany, NY
To: Preston S. Loughborough, Chief Clerk, Office of Instructions and Mail Depredations:
Unless I ain’t no scientist, but something don’t add up here. They got their third delivery, bringing the total up to sixty cases or thereabout. They ain’t burning nothing far as I can tell. Unless they got tunnels in that building, they are accumulating quite a stock pile of that graphite stuff. Pretty soon it’ll be pouring out the windows.